VERMILLION, SD- You know the voice, but you may not know the man; this is the story of Dylan Fox and the true ambition of his soon-to-be-completed research project titled “Lemon Ron’s Effects on the Brain and Body, Fuck Yeah Let’s Party.”
When Dylan Fox started school at USD he knew the whole time that he wanted to do something more. “I came here and saw all of my friends engaging in dangerous binge drinking, and to be honest it made me very worried for them,” rasped Fox with his two-pack a day voice. “I’ve always been fascinated by the medical world so I knew what I had to do: find out just how dangerous their activity was.”
For the next few years of his life Fox dedicated his life to drinking as much alcohol as possible, in order to study its effects on his body. What he has done can only be described as complete dedication to his craft. “I knew this study was too dangerous for anyone else, so I did it too myself. Seriously does anyone think I would be that dumb on purpose? Please. It was all for science,” said Fox as he made one of his infamous “Mega-Mixies.”
Fox added “Alcohol can have many affects on your body. In addition to being amazing and delicious it can increase your blood pressure, reduce your sexual performance, and sometimes it can even make you hook up with absolute fucking creatures. Trust me, I know.”
Not everyone is happy that Dylan Fox is out there finding out the facts about drinking. Todd Van Stickler (owner of Wiley’s Tavern) thinks Fox should take his research elsewhere. “Im trying to run a goddam business and this kid comes in and says “Please sir don't close the bar, I'm close to an important breakthrough with how the liver metabolizes the starches in Jaegermeister.” What a load of fucking shit. Never come back to Wiley’s.”
“I wont rest until every student realizes how dangerous alcohol is. Hopefully my findings change lives. I’m going to finish it as soon as I come out of this blackout,” slurred Fox.