The Jackrabbit Football season is only a couple of days away. This means hundreds of students will be avoiding their responsibilities to wake up at the ass crack of dawn, funnel beer down their throats, and consume grain alcohols. With so much hype swirling around the season opener, President Dunn has decided to cancel classes for Thursday and throw a banger at his new pad.
“What’s the point of having a 5-million-dollar house if you can’t get fucked up in it. Getting shitfaced is only thing I’ve been doing since I moved in. Sure, it pisses off my wife and some of the faculty but fuck 'em. They weren’t the ones that had go around sucking some dick to get this baby built,“ said the president of the university. "Last year I would have thrown more ragers but my landlord was a fucking dick. We got a warning first week and my wife was all up my ass. But new year new me," said Dunn as he took a hefty pull from a Franzia bag and then emphatically slapped it. "Goddam, thats the stuff." The President also had this to add when asked if tailgating rules apply to Thursday’s darty “What is this, Canada? There isn’t a chance in hell I let underage students have fun! Anyone who isn’t twenty-one can go take a dick.” Even with the strict tailgating rules still in effect, most SDSU students still have high hopes for what is to come Thursday evening. Reilly Ell, a Business Economics major and SDSU Delt President wasn’t surprised when heard what President Dunn had to say about his darty “He pulled this shit on us last year too. I’m not worried, I’ll still blackout and find myself eating some box by the end of the night”
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The Parkston Motorcycle gang was brought to a screeching halt this morning as UPD finally caught Roy, Butch, and Coon as they raced down Campanile Ave.
An officer from the UPD that prefers to go un-named released the following statement about the arrest: "We've been trying to infiltrate the Parkston Scooter gang for weeks and have always been unsuccessful. Those fuckers ride through campus everyday with no regard for human life. Well look who's laughing now you cornfed ingrates." The officer went on to explain that what made it so hard to track down the infamous gang is their rampant use of certain aliases and fake monikers. "Their leader is Andrew, who goes by Roy. Conrad goes by Coon. Nathan goes by Butch and is also called Louis. Seriously, what the fuck? Andrew's little brother Miles' nickname is Pete. It's so goddam stupid that its actually brilliant." said the officer. After Andrew's brush with the law he vowed to never quit his hard riding lifestyle. "I live my life a quarter mile at a time. Nothing else matters: not the mortgage, not the store, not my team and all their bullshit. For those ten seconds or less, I’m free. I love you Dana.” Reporters went to the Parkston house to get a quote from possible accomplice Miles Semmler who commented "Dude I was totally gonna use that scooter to pick up some nice trim! But Roy fucked that up for me." When called about his whereabout at the time of the crime he said "Fuck I don't know. Probably doing some laundry or something. Haha did you hear me fart into the phone?" VERMILLION, SD- You know the voice, but you may not know the man; this is the story of Dylan Fox and the true ambition of his soon-to-be-completed research project titled “Lemon Ron’s Effects on the Brain and Body, Fuck Yeah Let’s Party.”
When Dylan Fox started school at USD he knew the whole time that he wanted to do something more. “I came here and saw all of my friends engaging in dangerous binge drinking, and to be honest it made me very worried for them,” rasped Fox with his two-pack a day voice. “I’ve always been fascinated by the medical world so I knew what I had to do: find out just how dangerous their activity was.” For the next few years of his life Fox dedicated his life to drinking as much alcohol as possible, in order to study its effects on his body. What he has done can only be described as complete dedication to his craft. “I knew this study was too dangerous for anyone else, so I did it too myself. Seriously does anyone think I would be that dumb on purpose? Please. It was all for science,” said Fox as he made one of his infamous “Mega-Mixies.” Fox added “Alcohol can have many affects on your body. In addition to being amazing and delicious it can increase your blood pressure, reduce your sexual performance, and sometimes it can even make you hook up with absolute fucking creatures. Trust me, I know.” Not everyone is happy that Dylan Fox is out there finding out the facts about drinking. Todd Van Stickler (owner of Wiley’s Tavern) thinks Fox should take his research elsewhere. “Im trying to run a goddam business and this kid comes in and says “Please sir don't close the bar, I'm close to an important breakthrough with how the liver metabolizes the starches in Jaegermeister.” What a load of fucking shit. Never come back to Wiley’s.” “I wont rest until every student realizes how dangerous alcohol is. Hopefully my findings change lives. I’m going to finish it as soon as I come out of this blackout,” slurred Fox. School is right around the corner. Soon eager freshman will move into Binneweis and Young and within 24 hours of moving in have the bathrooms reeking of puke and sex. Campus PD will be prowling the area around campus waiting to give out their first minor of the fall.
However, this year will be a bit different than last year, there will be no Jacks Bash, a concert held last year to break in the new stadium. No girls in cowboy boots and guys awkwardly walking with flasks between their legs drunkenly singing along to Luke Bryan and grinding to country music. According to statwizard.org, double the students attended the concert than any football game SDSU had last season. Students are not happy about the lack of celebration. Harrison Wookey, an elementary Education major and wellness center Guru commented “Last year the bash was on my birthday; I drank a whole bottle of Jose Cuervo before the concert, blacked out before I got there, blew a .23 and got a minor. It was my best birthday yet.” Jayden Everson (6th man of the year at Aberdeen Roncalli in 2014-2015 and Junior at SDSU studying beers and bros) can’t believe their will be no concert, “What do you mean there’s no Jacks Bash?? I love SDSU but I also love Aberdeen, I won a state title there. If there’s no Jacks bash I think I’m going to transfer to NSU, my friend McNeary goes there” Everson said while searching for RV on Netflix. On another note, Riley Schmidt had a different opinion, “Jacks Bash can kick rocks. Who gives a flying fuck. I’m just trying to drink some Bud Light Limes.” Who knows, maybe a surprise Jacks Bash is right around the corner. Worst case scenario there is no Jacks Bash, which is still better than having a T-Pain concert. Look out country music fans! Early Wednesday morning Miles Semmler threw a 24 pack of Bud Light into the back of his car and put Parkston in the rearview as he set out on the high way for three things: a good time, country music, and trim.
“Oh fuck ya I’d love to get some trim up in WE Fest. A lot of people like country music but I mostly go there to try to get some action if you know what I mean dude,” said the younger Semmler brother. Early reports show that trim numbers look strong in the Detroit Lakes area, rebounding from an all time low just a few years ago. We consulted local trim conservation expert Isaac Snaza to comment on Miles’ chances of landing the big one. “We’ve seen a lot of trim migration to the Detroit Lakes area lately, maybe Miles will get lucky enough to snag one. I highly fucking doubt it though,” said Snaza in what was most likely the first words that the keyboard warrior had spoken all week. Andrew (the older Semmler) was also skeptical of Miles’ odds. “He’s gonna go and talk a big game but end up passed out in a tent by 9:00, probably with his dick in his hand,” commented Andrew. We all wish Miles the best of luck in the upcoming week, hopefully he can find the next ex-Mrs. Semmler! |
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January 2018
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