A Friday that started out with all the possibility in the world took a turn for the worse for Delt Vice President Braxton Harltley. He had started out the day with plenty of good vibes but one phone call from his mom changed the entire course of his day – and maybe history as we know it.
“I was at work trying to peddle some life insurance. Sell or stave, you know what I’m saying?” said the down-trodden V.P. “Then I get a text from my mom. Call me. And im like, Oh fuck that’s never good. So I go to the handicap stall and giver her a ring. She just starts screaming at me. Says she found out that last weekend we didn’t have a game night at Sam’s and went out drinking instead. Im in deep shit dudes, she might take my X-Box.” Braxton’s brother and heterosexual partner in crime Cooper escaped most of (if not all of) the punishment doled out by Mama Hartley. “Yeah I was out drinking, but I had Roach steal his Mom’s phone and text my mom that I was over at his house,” said Cooper as he stroked the brown locks of his immaculate middle-part hairdo. “Little did she know that I was in Parkston getting ready for the big beer truck sale. It’s the classic bait and switch. Frankly Braxton deserves what’s coming to him. Same thing happened last year when she caught him drinking Mt. Dew and playing video games past 10. Kid has a problem.” President Miles Semmler was reached for comment about the shenanigans of his right-hand-man, but seemed to be more interested in talking about the Big American Parkston Beer Truck Sale. “In Parkston a couple things’re given. 1) You drive a truck and pack fat lippers of cope. 2) You work at least 100 hours a week. Anything less ‘n that is fer city folk (pauses briefly to spit stream of dip spit onto ground). 3) You spend at least half your paycheck at Boog’s Bar and the other half goes to beer at the Big American Beer Truck Sale at the Big American Beer Truck. Fuckin’ simple as that (spits again).”
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January 2018
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