The Parkston Motorcycle gang was brought to a screeching halt this morning as UPD finally caught Roy, Butch, and Coon as they raced down Campanile Ave.
An officer from the UPD that prefers to go un-named released the following statement about the arrest: "We've been trying to infiltrate the Parkston Scooter gang for weeks and have always been unsuccessful. Those fuckers ride through campus everyday with no regard for human life. Well look who's laughing now you cornfed ingrates."
The officer went on to explain that what made it so hard to track down the infamous gang is their rampant use of certain aliases and fake monikers. "Their leader is Andrew, who goes by Roy. Conrad goes by Coon. Nathan goes by Butch and is also called Louis. Seriously, what the fuck? Andrew's little brother Miles' nickname is Pete. It's so goddam stupid that its actually brilliant." said the officer.
After Andrew's brush with the law he vowed to never quit his hard riding lifestyle. "I live my life a quarter mile at a time. Nothing else matters: not the mortgage, not the store, not my team and all their bullshit. For those ten seconds or less, I’m free. I love you Dana.”
Reporters went to the Parkston house to get a quote from possible accomplice Miles Semmler who commented "Dude I was totally gonna use that scooter to pick up some nice trim! But Roy fucked that up for me."
When called about his whereabout at the time of the crime he said "Fuck I don't know. Probably doing some laundry or something. Haha did you hear me fart into the phone?"