The forecast was far from fat, for the Brookings boys that day
40 degrees and snowing, “WTF its almost May.”
And when Skylar posted, he made it very clear
“It hurts to say this fellas, but they’ll be no Chugger this year.”
Dejected and neglected, Karst’s lips trembled with shame
For three years in a row, he championed this game.
He thought “If only the sun would shine, and melt up all this shit,
We’ve got a lot of beer to drink and wiffle balls to hit.”
And then the clouds receeded, the snow disappeared
It warmed up a few degrees, and Karst’s hope reappeared
“Get Roy on the phone and get wookey in tow, we got to get ‘em all,
Rain or shine we drink and grind. Let fucking play some ball.”
All the boys assembled in the greatest park in town
And they drafted their teams, to go for Karsty’s crown.
Everson and his cronies tried to assemble a squad,
But Karsty shouldered his slugger bat, and labeled them a fraud.
“This tourney is mine you little bitch and it is every year. I can’t believe
I live with this kid, here J-slay hold my beer.”
A mustache sat on Karsty’s lip, his teech were stained with chaw.
He stumbled his way up to the plate. His goal: to touch ‘em all.
And now J-Slay holds the ball—now he gives it a fling
My liver still trembles in fear from the might of Karsty’s swing.
Somewhere in this big, cruel world, bookies are getting paid
LeBron missed the playoffs, and Aaron Rodgers is getting laid.
But all is right in Brookings, the land of fun and sin.
Because we still had the Chugger—and Karsty won again.
Another year, another pub crawl. As the older Delts prepare for one of their last weekends of debauchery, the only question on their minds (besides can I hit your Juul) is “What is the name of that new song by Sam Hunt?”
Yeah, we’re talking about that song. The one that talks about going slow when you should go fast. And loving a girl who has a body like a road. Nobody remembers the title, but everyone knows it slaps.
“Yeah I think I heard it once last week, but I only caught the end of it,” said President Miles Semmler. “I was too busy watching awesome March Matness to really pay attention. Did you know that there is a college wrestling tournament this month? It’s fucking awesome” he said as he chugged what is speculated to be his 100th beer of the day.
Other Delts are aware of the complete banger, but only remember some of the lyrics. “I’m pretty sure it says ‘body like a backhoe’ but who knows honestly. Go Duke!” slurred Hot Dog Meister Adam Karst as he pulled out his phone to put his life on a game that will not hit.
“Dude I don’t even think Sam Hunt sings that song” piped in Jayden Everson. “Me and my buddy B-Mac were listening to it in Aberdeen last weekend and we’re pretty sure Kenny Chesney sings that shit. Have you ever been to Aberdeen? It's awesome. We have the State B tournament and my buddy B-Mac plays football there for Northern. You should come sometime and hang out with me and my buddy B-Mac.”
Senior Riley Schmidt was another member that couldn’t recall the name of the country ballad that gets dicks hard and drinks pouring. “I saw a poll on twitter the other day. It asked if a WNBA team could beat a top high school team in a game of basketball. You have to be smoking fucking crack to think a WNBA team could beat the Dell Rapid Quarriers. I would have dropped 75 by myself.”
We asked Sam Hunt himself what the name of the song was but it was apparent he never took the time to remember. “Mostly I just make songs to pander to the lowest common denominator of country music fans. Just like Thomas Rhett. He loves his wife!.” said Hunt as he did not plow a field on a piece of land he does not own.
“I don’t even know what that shit was called, broseph!” Hunt exclaimed as he cashed royalty checks off the very song he does not know the title of. “It said something about going 15 in a 60, didn’t it? Fuck, that would be really slow. It probably wasn’t called that.”
Everyone has heard the phrase “got hit by a truck” but this idiom has a very different meaning for one Delt member. His name is J-tel and last Chester street dance he actually got hit by a truck. Specifically, a Dodge Ram. And it fucked him up. Bad.
This year he vows not to make the same mistake again. “Life's not about how hard of a hit you can give... it's about how many you can take, and still keep moving forward. And last year I got fucking rocked” said J-tell as he taped broken beer bottles into the spaces between his fingers. “This year's different. I'm gonna slash the tires on that Dodge.”
Justin “The Slim Reaper” Stutdgle7gte has gone through a grueling year-long program to get ready for the Big American Rematch. His preparation has included but is not limited to
- 40-second plank back in March
- A strict diet of egg whites, creatine, and road-kill
- Gets beat up by Wookey once a week to keep his body ready
- Built up testosterone by not masturbating once
Close friends are skeptical about his odds. Entrepreneurs and resident riverboat gambler Cody Bussell laid heavy odds against J-Tel. “Most books have opened with J-tel as a 20-1 underdog, and honestly that’s a bet I’d make with my life. Yesterday I mortgaged my parent's house and bet it on Dodge. I suggest you do the same.”
A Friday that started out with all the possibility in the world took a turn for the worse for Delt Vice President Braxton Harltley. He had started out the day with plenty of good vibes but one phone call from his mom changed the entire course of his day – and maybe history as we know it.
“I was at work trying to peddle some life insurance. Sell or stave, you know what I’m saying?” said the down-trodden V.P. “Then I get a text from my mom. Call me. And im like, Oh fuck that’s never good. So I go to the handicap stall and giver her a ring. She just starts screaming at me. Says she found out that last weekend we didn’t have a game night at Sam’s and went out drinking instead. Im in deep shit dudes, she might take my X-Box.”
Braxton’s brother and heterosexual partner in crime Cooper escaped most of (if not all of) the punishment doled out by Mama Hartley. “Yeah I was out drinking, but I had Roach steal his Mom’s phone and text my mom that I was over at his house,” said Cooper as he stroked the brown locks of his immaculate middle-part hairdo. “Little did she know that I was in Parkston getting ready for the big beer truck sale. It’s the classic bait and switch. Frankly Braxton deserves what’s coming to him. Same thing happened last year when she caught him drinking Mt. Dew and playing video games past 10. Kid has a problem.”
President Miles Semmler was reached for comment about the shenanigans of his right-hand-man, but seemed to be more interested in talking about the Big American Parkston Beer Truck Sale. “In Parkston a couple things’re given. 1) You drive a truck and pack fat lippers of cope. 2) You work at least 100 hours a week. Anything less ‘n that is fer city folk (pauses briefly to spit stream of dip spit onto ground). 3) You spend at least half your paycheck at Boog’s Bar and the other half goes to beer at the Big American Beer Truck Sale at the Big American Beer Truck. Fuckin’ simple as that (spits again).”
If you haven’t caught the hint after this year’s reoccurring “Sebert’s Last [Wednesday/Tailgate/Darty/Formal/Stand]” themed parties, we’ll fill you in: the Wednesday Dude won’t be celebrating any more Wednesdays as an SDSU student.
By some combination of luck, grit, and copious amounts of Adderall, Matt Sebert will be graduating this weekend. In honor of all he’s done by helping found and run SDSU Delt (seriously, this guy slaps) we’ve put together a piece with comments from some of the guys who’ve had the honor of doing college with Sebert. Following that is an interview with the man himself, the former Vice President of SDSU Delt, Mathew “the Wednesday Dude” Sebert.
Today is the day 35 dumb and hungover young men have been dreading for over a year. The day Matthew Sebert hangs up the bong and walks off into the very scary sunset. Matt managed to be one of the only SDSU Delt senior to graduate in 4 years, I bet his mom is proud. He also was a 3 time Louisville Chugger champ, the king of Wednesday’s, and one of the founders of the brotherhood. Sebert’s 4 years didn’t go unnoticed by his peers. Ex-President Reilly Ell had some fond memories, “I met him freshman year, he had his door open playing madden, so I walked in and asked if I could play. I told him I hadn’t played before so he picked a bad team. I hustled Sebert whooped his ass by 30 something points. What a sucker. You know what I wont miss about him though? Every morning right after he wakes up he coughs like a freaking chain smoker and wakes me up. Lay off the heaters Matt. Hehe”
The most emotional about the topic, Shay Jolley was wiping tears from his eyes when he muttered “If I could tell him one thing before he graduates, it would be how lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard to hard.”
Supply and Demand consultant Jtel wasn’t as sad to see Sebert go “fuck Sebert man. I’m still pissed at him for getting us kicked out of that club in Vegas because he spilled someone’s drink at the VIP booth next to us. And last weekend he told a 10 year old to fuck off at the Louisville Chugger, what kind of degenerate is he?”
Roy Semmler took it waaaay back in his comments about the wedneday guy, “The first time I ever met Sebert he was paying me and giving me his information for a fake ID. If getting a fake ID with someone isn’t a bonding experience, I don’t know what is.”
Sebert was also kind enough to take a few seconds of his busy finals week to answer a few questions and reflect on his educational experience at SDSU.
How can we, as the next generation, make you look back on us next year and say “those boys are making me more proud than the Semmler’s dad after he watched them save a baby cow from a flood”? "I’d love to see an actual philanthropy event, another Delt Formal, more theme parties, and to see my boys ballin in the library."
What will the name of your first child be if you ever make one? "Kirk Cousins Sebert (assuming the Vikings win Super Bowl 53). This is also regardless of the sex of that child. Kirk Cousins is a gender neutral name."
What are you going to miss most about SDSU? "All the convenient parking."
What was the weirdest thing you ever did or witnessed in the 9? "The “Black Out” night when Reilly wore a full black morph suit to a deserted 9 and had the big american dance off."
If you could only go downtown with one brother for the rest of your life who would it be and why? "J-Tel because if you don’t have fun at the bar you can always just beat him up afterwards."
Who is your favorite 6ix roommate? "My favorite roommate is Cody Bussell because of all the dishes he does. Day after day he is in the kitchen scrubbing his fingers to the bone to make sure all of our dishes are clean."
Best house party you’ve ever went to? "Sophomore year the Batcave threw a banger. I peed in their freezer, took a bite out of a potato like it was an apple and put a cigarette out on my arm. I’m not proud of those things, but they happened and I have to live with that."
What do you want to be remembered for most? The Wednesday guy? 3 time chugger champ? Delt VP? Something else? "For being a bad boy of advertising."
You get to sit down with president Barry Dunn for 5 minutes, what would that conversation look like? "A couple of New Years ago Auble stole $10 from a random guy that wanted Josh to buy him a drink. This was happening at about 11:59 mind you. So as the ball was dropping the guy wanted his money back (understandably so) but it was impossible to give it back to him (because we had spent it on shots). The guy got super aggressive about it (understandably) but we weaseled our way out of the situation. He got kicked out of the 9 about 30 seconds into the New Year, and if that didn’t set the tone for 2017 idk what would. Id probably tell Barry that story and then politely ask if he’ll let my friends tailgate next year."
Any last words before you go out and do real world things? "Sam Hunt released a new song about a back road or something. Everyone should check it out."
Newly chosen SDSU Delt President Miles Semmler has promised his constituents that he will be a cruel but fair master. While he will rule with an iron-fist his judgement shall be wise.
"For too long we have let our members get away with too much. In my terrible reign, democracy will be a thing of the past. I will hold true to no constitution. My word will be the law of the land and all shall bow before my great power. It's gonna be kickass dude!" said President Pete.
"Along with my newly chosen congress I already have a couple laws in mind. Everson will be put on a strict word limit, and Karst will have to wear the hotdog costume every day of his life. All who oppose my power shall be sent to Semmler Farms Labor Camp where your days will be spent checking fence and tending to the pigs." he continued. "I will set up my Oval Office in the upstairs of the 9, since I already spend six days there per week."
"We are also looking to abolish all Thursday classes taking place before 2:00 p.m. so that we can make Wednesdays great again. This is my dream, and the dream of the Delt people."
Normally birthdays are a source of joy and jubilation, but January 31, 2018 is a date that will certainly live in Brookings infamy. Numerous bars on Brookings popular main street plan to shut their doors and after learning that former Roncali Cavalier Jayden Everson will be turning 21 at midnight.
"Yeah sure we've had a good run serving our backpackers, but do we really want to sit in our bar and hear about all the good times that Everson had with McNeary and the boys back in Aberdeen? No we don't," said Jim's Tap owner Jim when he was reached for comment. "I'd rather burn this place to the ground than allow J-Slay to have some beers with the boys here. That's why I will be taking my tap elsewhere."
Other businesses share the same viewpoint. The 9 has long been a popular grease pit in Brookings but stated that even they can't put up with Everson for much longer. "He's gotten in here a couple times," said an anonymous bouncer that gave this interview from the other side of a large blackout curtain "but the thought of him doing the Cupid Shuffle up on the dance floor wearing the Cavalier green is enough to make me put a padlock on the door and never take it off. If we get wind that Everson is going to come here tonight we plan to board this fucker up like Kino der Toten. Same goes for Shay Jolley, we just really hate that kid."
These establishments of drink and dance aren't the only ones calling it a career. The rumor mill has it that the list of closings will include but not be limited to Ray's Corner, P's and Q's, The Ram, The Wild Hare, Cubby's, Applebees, Buffalo Wild Wings, Old Market Eatery, Wooden Legs Brewing Company, Main Street Pub, Sully's, Nick's Hamburgers, Blue Street Bicycles, Textbooks for Less, and The Pheasant Resturaunt and Lounge (which is still waiting on a dinner reservation for two made under the name of Charlie Stephenson).
Just for good measure Taco Bell announced they will be closing just because Everson is a little too excited about their fries.
The companies released a joint statement saying "Money is great but if it comes at the cost of serving alcohol to Everson we aren't sure we will be able to look ourselves in the face at then of the day."
The closing of so many bars leaves many big drinkers in Brookings sitting on their hands. Longtime bar patron and former resident of the state of Ohio Roy Semmler said he doesn't know what he'll do with all of this spare time. "I've been getting into 2K basketball lately so I think I might start running some franchises on the "My GM" mode. I think that sounds interesting."
The horse stables and cow pens at South Dakota State University are buzzing this week as the Jackrabbits prepare to root on the football squad from the various farms in which they spend their weekends. The Jacks hold a 5-0 advantage since both teams have moved their athletic programs to Division 1, but that doesn't mean the cousin kissers up at state aren't a little nervous.
"Goddam it sure be nice to get us a W!" said Junior Bale Throwing major Cooper Gates as he threw in another upper decker of Copenhagen Straight. "I knew this weekend be a big one but I never figured them Coyotes were so good at foosball. Last time I seen a coyote it was the the one my cousin Jimmy shot down east of the slough on the back 40. Didn't get shit for the pelt though," exclaimed Gates as he shot a line of spit through the hole of one his many missing teeth.
President of SDSU Delt and bean field expert Reilly Ell expressed his concern over the amount of "Hate State" tweets he had heard about on Twitter, but has not had the pleasure of reading them. "Well up yonder in Groton we aint got much book learnin, but some feller told me that there were some tweets on Snapbook or whatever that we love fornicatin our cousins! I can't read too good but someone should tell them we only kiss our cousins. Enough with this interview I got to git a calf back in the pen."
Many SDSU students are worried that the lack of color TV and internet in Brookings will make it hard to follow the score of the game. "Hopefully they send a telegram out to the homestead," lamented chicken farmer Jake Baloun. "Im usually too busy in the tractor to catch any of the games but the mail comes over to our place once a week on horseback and I can't wait to see if them rabbits git it done. Yeehaw!!"
One thing that we can all agree on is the fact that if the Jacks go down and lose to the Coyotes it will surely be without their consent.
All that glitters in not gold. Today in Brookings a day that had much promise ended up sour for a certain Rory Forrest. Roach woke up on his 20th birthday with nothing but high ambitions for the day but this dream was to never come. At approximately 10:44 this morning Roach took a "What Hogwarts house are you?" quiz on his computer while he sat in the back row of Bio 151 and was absolutely destroyed after finding out they placed him in Hufflepuff.
"Are you fucking me? Hufflepuff? What a load of bull shit. I'm more of a Gryffindor that Godric himself and this shit fucks me over like this?" proclaimed a visibly shaken Roach. He added "What am I? What have I done to deserve this?"
When reached for comment roommate Riley Huag expressed concern over his friend. "Roach came home, walked right past us and locked himself in his room. Nobody really talked to him but Krog said he heard sobbing noises so it sounds like he's taking it pretty tough. I don't blame him, Hufflepuff is some pussy shit. At least have some fucking dignity and get Ravenclaw. Skol Vikes."
Huge Harry Potter fan Riley Schmidt also chimed in saying "Roach can take a fucking lap. In all my years as a HP fan I've never seen a bigger Hufflepuff, dudes a square. Karst I love you buddy."
As the weather grows cooler cold and flu season is quickly sneaking up on us, but another disease threatens to destroy not only your liver but also your wallet. This disease will rob the infected of their ability to speak, form coherent thoughts, and cause them to dance on some random strange. We are talking about 9 Fever people, and Kyler has it bad.
"This is one of the worst cases we have ever seen," claimed 9 Fever expert Dr. Dylan Fox. "I'm all for getting blacked out on a bottle of Ron, but Kyler's addiction to buying dollar drinks and grinding on girls in the dark depths of the dance floor may have advanced to stage 5. I'm afraid this heavy drinker is beyond saving."
A number of his closest friends have tried to talk to Kyler about his terminal disease but efforts to help his health have fallen flat. Room-mate and pizza exert Adam Karst expressed concern for his friend saying "Yeah turning 21 is fun, but when Kyler woke me up at 8:30 on a Tuesday morning and told me to get ready for the 9 at 9 I knew he was out on control." After a hefty bite of a Domino's pizza Karst added "Honestly I'm worried sick about him."
Long-time brother and 9 veteran Reilly Ell also expressed his concern over his younger sibling's fucked up actions. "Was I able to look past the Twisted Tea? Yes. Did I make fun of him when he said that Hobo Week belongs to him? Only a little. But never in my life have I seen someone as ravaged by that piss soaked grease pit as he is. May god help his soul."
Our thoughts and prayers go out to Kyler as he battles this dangerous disease. #KylerStrong