Fall is an exciting time around college campuses around the country. It means the return of students, football pads popping on the field, the impending spread of chlamydia, and Brookings cops stopping underage drinking.
UPD Police Chief Timothy A. Heaton gave some surprising statistics when asked to comment on the finding. “We looked at a ton of numbers and stuff and found out that underage drinking is actually the cause of many of the problems in this world. From our studies we have learned that racism, third world poverty, and the assassination of JFK were all the product of underage drinking.”
He went on to add “It is also known that underage drinking kills 2.4 million people at SDSU every year. You can trust us about these numbers, we are cops so you know we are super smart and didn’t get C’s in high school.”
“We get our dicks so hard to stop underage drinking its just awesome,” said Heaton. “Sure there is a lot better stuff in the world to worry about, but the thought of some 18 year old cracking open a Busch Light somewhere makes me sick to my stomach. Thats the real threat to America. Trust me, I'm a campus police officer."
After enjoying the fine cuisine at the Brookings’ Qudoba many times, the Delt brothers of South Dakota State University decided it was time to give back.
On July 22 freshman Cooper Hartley took fundraising matters into his own hands and decided to raise $0.37 for the Qudoba employees all by himself.
“Well I got a meal and a drink so it ended up being $9.63 after tax. I paid with a ten and didn’t really want to carry a quarter, dime and two pennies in my pocket so I dropped it in the tip jar,” said the worse looking of the Hartley twins.
“I saw all these over frats at SDSU like Farmhouse raising all this money so I figured hey why not me,” Hartley continued as nacho cheese dripped down his face. “I’ve got so much change that Ill make it hail in every single tip jar in this fucking city.”
Not every Delt was thrilled with the decision. Treasurer Cody Bussell spoke his mind saying "Pretty rookie move on his part. He could have taken that $0.37 and parlayed it with the Tampa Bay ML with the Boston Red Sox under and turned it into $2.23 no problem. They're fucking giving away money today boys, put your damn house on it."
With over fraternities across the nation giving a bad rep to all of those who practice Greek life, it is heartwarming knowing that true Christian virtue still exists!